Saturday, June 19, 2010

Tranced Edition

I'm still desperately trying to catch up on the films I've seen. I'm still writing up movies I watched back in April and there's another thirty or so after this. Right now I'm on break from school and I'm freshly laid off so I should be able to have enough time to catch up here soon. I'll aim for at least five write-ups a day and I should be able to get back to speed in a few weeks. Here's hoping anyways.

Fun time travel movie with Tim Thomerson barking out smart-ass remarks as he falls in with Helen Hunt and hunts space-vampire-zombie fucking things. To be honest, the definition of what exactly a Trancer is changes depending on what movie, or even what scene, you're watching. All I know is Jack Deth kills 'em reals good like and looks cool doing it. This is the best one and it's a steady slide downwards as you go on.
Sights within:
-World's most unexpected Santa beating
-I like how Jack actively goes out of his way to achieve that slicked-back sleaze-ball look.
-Tanning salons can be a bitch.
Grade: B+


More of the same but with less of the luster. Somehow they got everyone from the original back and added Megan Ward who plays Jack Deth's wife. What could have been a fun situation with both wives fighting over Jack (with what eventually could have lead to Jack turning to the camera and shrugging his shoulders exaggeratedly expressing his wonderment at getting caught in these kinds of situations while canned audience laughter backs him up) is pretty much left alone after the initial set-up and taken seriously. The budget's not as high and neither is the laughs but there's still some fun to be had, even if I have no idea what the actual plot is by now. I think Jeffrey Combs pops up for a couple of minutes, or was that the third one? I don't know. I do know that Richard Lynch was the bad guy in one of them and Andrew Robinson is in the other. Guess it doesn't matter too much which is which. Still worth checking out.
Sights within:
-Somehow they decided the drunk ex-baseball player was a valuable enough character to bring him back?
-World's slowest escape and shoot out. Young Guns this isn't.
-Lena? Is that a real name that exists outside of video-games?
-I've probably watched the trailer for this a thousand times growing up. In fact I can quote the whole thing from the video down below. Somehow I just now got around to actually watching the movie.
Grade: C+


That smooth talkin' sonofabitch is back yet again to kill more Trancers, whatever the hell they are. This time, good ol' Larry Cotton is building an army of Trancer soldiers and Jack Deth has to take them out before some vague "bad stuff" happens in the future. The story seems to be not far off from the plot of part 2 and the treads are starting to really show by now. Tim Thomerson is as fun to watch as ever but every thing else is pretty dis-interesting. This would be the last one I'd even suggest checking out, and that's only on the strength of the Jack Deth character alone.
Sights within:
-World's most obvious appearance due to contractual obligations. Mad About You had to have started by now.
-That shark-guy thing would have made a much more interesting villain than his two appearances as a good guy. But hey, what do I know? I only pay to own these things.
-When the bad guys have automatic weapons and hide behind cover, always walk into the open room and take them out with your 9mm. It'll work everytime.
Grade: C-


Jack gets sent back in time to Romania to save a few bucks for Charles Band. Back when Full Moon was about to lose it's funding from Paramount, Chuck Band strung out as many of his heavy hitters as he could by filming multiple sequels back to back in order to get the most return for his money. Victims of this extortion method also included the Subspecies and Puppet Master films, though I have to say Trancers got the worst treatment out of all of them. Jack arrives, people thinks he's a god or magic or some shit and defeats the evil wizard, yadda yadda. Really, it's the same old storyline you've seen a hundred times only with Tim Thomerson's wisecrack's making any kind of difference. Ultimately, not worth the seventy minutes running time to watch.
Sights within:
-Shit if I know. Some castles? I don't know.
-World's clunkiest sword fights.
-At this point, Jack Deth's coat is starting to look a little too feminine for him.
Grade: D


Some more shit in medieval days. Jack teams up with a Trancer to stop the same damn guy they already killed, newly resurrected due to a mystical painting or something. Supposedly this is to give Jack a new angle on Trancers and not be so much of a hardass, which isn't that the whole reason to watch these things? It all boils down to some generic horseback riding and sword-swinging with early-days After Effects sprinkled here and there. The whole time I couldn't shake the feeling that I had more important things to do and was fighting that itch to hit the fast forward button. I don't think any series demonstrates the law of diminishing returns than the Trancers series. Just stop at part 3 and consider it done.
Sights within:
-Is that not the world's worst fucking poster? Is that horse on steroids? How the hell did they get up there? That's the worst pose I've ever seen a man strike. It reminds me of the crappy sci-fi books I would toss to the side when digging through garage sales back when I was twelve.
-World's whiniest vampire-thing, other than Twilight.
-It's five films in now and there is still no concrete definition of just what the fuck is a Trancer anyways? Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
-What do you mean there's a fucking sixth one?

Movies Watched: 5
-Trancers 2
-Trancers 3
-Trancers 4
-Trancers 5
New Movies Bought: 0
Unseen DVDS: 3241
Unseen Blu-rays: 71
Unseen VHS: 119